Act I:
Spam: Hey Spam! How's it going?
Hat: Wait a minute...YOUR name is Spam! What the hell are you smoking?!...And where can I get some?
Spam: Smoking? You know that's bad for you. You gotta inject it directly into the vein. Didn't repeating
the 12th grade five times teach you anything?
Hat: No, I don't remember much since I spent it in a locker. You gotta remember that I'm a hat. Hat's
don't go to school for education.
Spam: But you are talking, aren't you? Hats are not supposed to talk!
Hat: Since when did you discover logic, anyhow? Spam is supposed to be a food product. Are you enchanted
spam with the ability to think logically and annoy people with that logic?
Spam: Yes. Yes I am.
[Attention all readers. If the following has not reduced your mind to a substance that resembles red jello (not green
jello because it sucks), then please continue reading. I won't accept any of that no-sugar jello crap. That stuff pisses me
off.]
Hat: What do you plan on doing this weekend?
Spam: Being eaten, probably. Then going for a trip...
Hat: Your use of subtle hints to describe a fate worse than death amuses me to the point of wishing
for death. Your death.
Spam: Well, I try. Spam is very limited in its abilities. We are a food group, and sometimes a source
of nuclear power.
Hat: So which is it today?
Spam: How the hell am I supposed to know? Do I look like a typewriter?
Hat: No...but that is.
Spam: Huh? All you did was say "No...but that is." and point at me!
Hat: Whoops. My finger was attracted to your stupidity.
Spam: Your finger finds me attractive?
Hat: No, because I don't have fingers. I have this crappy plastic band thingy on my back that makes
annoying clicking noises because the people who made me were cheap bastards.
Spam: You have issues. May I recommend this?
Hat: Yes?
Spam: Actually, that was all that I had to recommend, which was this.
Hat: "This" is a word, not a recommendation!
Spam: It is? Hmm. Me not so smart since I didn't get to go to school. I sat around in a can for a long
time until someone opened it up and screamed in horror. I can still hear the screams in my dreams...
Hat: Spam can have dreams?
Spam: Hell, we are having an intelligent [note to readers: this term is being used EXTREMELY loosely
here] conversation, aren't we?
Hat: No, all I hear coming from you right now is just a series of gurgles, plops, and sickening noises.
Spam: Then how do you know what I am thinking and saying?
Hat: No clue. Let's ask our creator. Why do we exist?
Elkan: Don't ask me. Do you think I really know what I'm doing right now? I have just created a talking
hat and a pile of spam that can have dreams. Get back to your conversation before I wear and eat you...both...at the same
time. Ahh fuck it. I'm hungry now. Mmm...Hat...
